Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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