I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
