I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
