you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
