He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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