I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
