i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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