Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
barbara walters just said penis...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
