Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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