So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
