Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
