I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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