I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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