there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
