I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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