I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
