you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
