Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
