where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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