how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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