the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
