just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
