i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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