John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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