so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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