Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
