Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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