He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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