This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Randomize
