I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
