Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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