Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
