3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
