true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
