matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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