I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
