Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
