Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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