The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
