On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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