ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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