I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
