i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
People in love make me want to vomit
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
