The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
