good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
