i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
