Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
