They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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