I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
