Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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